Painted Lady

Today is the second anniversary of me living full time as myself!

(No, I am not posting any selfies here!)

For most of my life, I never thought this would be possible. I did my best not to be transgender. I tried, however badly,  to do the things one is supposed to do as a “normal” male, even though male-gendered things, interests, and activities, at best, bored me (can someone please explain why guys find joy in watching grown men chasing balls across fake grass or driving eardrum-bursting-loud cars terrifyingly fast around a circular track over and over and over?)  or made my skin crawl (the male fascination with violence and the appalling things some men often say about women when they think none are listening).

My transition, the rebuilding of my exterior and my life so that I could finally live as the woman I have always been, sometimes trembling-all-over scary, expensive, required me to pick up overnight all sorts of women’s skills that cisgender women had their entire childhoods and adolescences to learn, and entailed sacrifice not only on my part (people I was once close to who have written me off ), but agonizing sacrifice on the part of the woman to whom I was married.

I deeply wounded her by, from her perspective, turning into the sister of the guy she thought she was married to.

The guilt I felt at putting her through that, even though transition was something necessary if I wanted to stay alive, was like steady, chronic pain.

After a stormy season of deep hurt and anger and grieving and tears, I am happy to report that we are good (girl) friends living in different time zones who often gossip on the phone about our dating relationships, family matters, women’s literature, what we are cooking for holiday events, and what bargains we found shopping for clothes.

I sometimes joke that we divorced because of irreconcilable similarities, but that really is the case!

So these days I finally move through the world seen as who I am and am treated accordingly. Despite living with sexism and the realistic fear of being the victim of a crime because as a woman with a woman’s physical strength I am easy prey, I am happier than I have ever been and am so grateful for this miracle!

 

 

 

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